For the last 6 weeks I’ve yet again been suffering depression. That’s quite a short period of time really but it feels like it’s been so much longer. The good news is I’m improving. I’m feeling much better than I was – I have my appetite back and my concentration has improved but in other ways I am still struggling. In particular, I am struggling with urges for self harm and suicide.
Why am I having such difficulties with urges to self harm and suicide? I feel like I’ve reached the end. When I started this blog 2-3 years ago I defined what recovery meant and I was quite positive that I will have episodes of depression again but that I will overcome/recover from them. That might be true (although it doesn’t currently feel like it) but I’ve lost the will to fight. I can’t and don’t want to keep going through the desperation, devastation and isolation of depression. I don’t want to have to go through periods where I don’t experience joy and where I feel as though I am just an observer in life, where I have to force myself to eat. I don’t want to have to go through not being able to concentrate on anything – not being able to watch a TV programme without difficulty, not being able to read which, is one of my methods of escapism. I don’t want a life which will have constant absences from a job or lack of a job at all due to my mental health, as is the current situation. To me, none of this is a life worth living.
It’s not just the depression either. If it’s not depression, it’s psychosis, anxiety, or hypomania. It’s a never ending cycle of one mental health problem to another. My CPN says that the reality is I have “severe and enduring mental health conditions”. Hardly reassuring or positive is it but I suppose it is probably true – repeated episodes from which I will have to recover each time. The future is bleak.
So with all these thoughts in my head and the logical conclusion being to kill myself, why haven’t I? Because my friends say they will miss me, I’d be letting them down and family members. I feel as though they would be better off without me but I am assured otherwise. It sounds silly but I wouldn’t want to leave behind my guinea pig, Maisie, she relies on me and has been a companion throughout. I want to work again. But the biggie is that my younger sister is getting married in August. She’s the sister that I practically raised and we are very close. We are so close that it physically hurts me to think about leaving her behind. I would love to see her in her wedding dress. She is already beautiful but I can imagine she will be even more stunning in her wedding dress. So today I have ordered two dresses as my potential wedding outfit. I’m planning ahead despite all the thoughts, feelings and urges to end my life. I need to hang on for a few months. I need to find a way to stay alive. Ideas on a postcard, please.