Still in a Funk

So, as the title of this post states, I’m still in a funk.  It’s coming up 3 weeks now and is testing to say the least. However, I’m trying to remind myself of the poem ‘Autobiography in Five Short Chapters’ by Portia Nelson:

I

I walk down the street

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost…I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in the same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in…It’s a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

I read this to my DBT group as part of a mindfulness exercise one session.  I think it is apt and a great reminder of how far I come.  I first self-harmed when I was 8 years old, I last self-harmed last year at the age of 30. It’s taken a long time to move through the chapters of life described above.  The nature of a recurrent mood disorder and the number of previous episodes gives me a ridiculously high probability of another episode and the risks of urges of self-harm.  I’m not saying I’ll never self-harm again, but to be able to be in such a low place and not have urges to self-harm is incredible for me. I have had thoughts as it is such a long habit and natural for my head to resort to familiar thoughts but those thoughts are just thoughts and not urges. Even if the thoughts become urges, I am confident I can take steps to prevent myself acting on them.

So yeah, I’m in another spell of low mood but in terms of recovery, I’m doing pretty well 🙂

 

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About Carrie Quinn

I'm a former solicitor whose life was turned upside down due to problems with my mental health. I'm now aiming towards recovery, which to me means rebuilding a meaningful life - not necessarily disorder free.
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3 Responses to Still in a Funk

  1. Will Chaloner says:

    It’s great to read that, although you’re feeling urges, you’re preventing yourself from acting on them 🙂 @will7201

  2. Carrie Quinn says:

    Thanks Will but I’m not even having urges. Just fleeting thoughts 🙂

  3. bpnana says:

    I’d say you’re doing great! Peace of Mind & Love to You! Nana

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