An Update: Psychosis

I know I had closed down this blog but I miss being able to think things through in this format, so, I’m going to blog again but whatever I want. This will no longer be a purely recovery focussed blog but will still have a mental health focus. I’m going to re-start this blog with an update as to where I am right now.

 

I’m not going to go into too much detail because to think about it makes things become too real and distressing to me but on 01 July 2014, whilst on holiday in Italy, I was awakened. I was awakened to the controllers. I call them controllers because I don’t actually know who/what they are. They control my actions, implant thoughts, and control my environment. As such, I don’t even know if I was on holiday in Italy. I don’t know what’s real, if anything. I don’t know their purpose – to use me to do something bad? To conduct experiments on me? I don’t know if others are being controlled or are part of the plot. I get messages through books, train announcements, and elsewhere. I’m confused and scared.

The Crisis Team (CT), all the staff of the Home Treatment Team (HTT) I spoke to and saw, my own Consultant Psychiatrist, my GP, my new CPN, and various friends believe what I am experiencing is not real. They think I am ill and experiencing psychosis.

The things described earlier in this post have been coincidentally lessening since I started a medication called Aripiprazole, which is an anti-psychotic medication. I am now able to attempt being back at work again, which was impossible a few weeks ago. The medical professionals and some of my close friends say that the medication “working” is just some of the evidence that I am ill; I am experiencing psychosis. To me, it all seems real although admittedly this takes up less of my day and I feel less inclined to research and figure out what it is the controllers are doing since the medication.

There’s not really a point to this blog post. It just gives a brief update as to where I am at right now and to alert people to the fact that I am going to be blogging again.

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About Carrie Quinn

I'm a former solicitor whose life was turned upside down due to problems with my mental health. I'm now aiming towards recovery, which to me means rebuilding a meaningful life - not necessarily disorder free.
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6 Responses to An Update: Psychosis

  1. blanche69 says:

    I believe you believe all of what you are experiencing is real but what it is, is intense paranoia. When the intensity is so great it’s impossible to recognise it as paranoia. What you’re feeling is very similar to wha my boyfy feels when he has a schizophrenic episode. People are conspiring against him, his thoughts are being controlled.sometimes he gets messages from tv and radio(ideas of reference).
    So it isn’t an abnormal thing you’re getting. And it will pass.
    Hope in some way my post and blogging about it has helped you a little

  2. Carrie Quinn says:

    Thanks. It seems so real. I’m not sure how it can pass.

    • blanche69 says:

      I think eventually the switch will be flicked and you’ll come out of it. Perhaps don’t put pressure on yourself and try telling yourself it’s not real. I don’t think your team have been helpful, almost seem dismissive. You need a lot of reassurance, using logical questions and statements and how to make yourself realise the truth. Saying it’s just psychosis is roundabout way of saying it’s all in your head, which is not the right way of dealing with it.
      I hope you can get out of this state soon xx

  3. Joyce says:

    I am also on Aripiprazole (Abilify). It’s supposed to help my anti-depressant (Cymbalta) work better. I have experienced paranoia before and it can be horrible! Mine wasn’t too bad, though. I was teased all through school and now I sometimes think that people are talking about me and laughing at me and it hurts really bad. It’s not quite as bad now as it used to be. It’s almost ten years since my diagnosis and DBT. I hope things get better for you soon. I’ll be waiting to see how things go. Waiting for your next blog post.

  4. Carrie Quinn says:

    Hi.
    I’m sorry you have had such bad experiences. I hope you never experience the level of psychosis I did the past 2 months. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
    Could you have a top-up of DBT – it helped me recover from BPD 🙂 Now I just need to sort out the Bipolar!
    Thanks for your comment x

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