This is just another short update blog. So, just a few weeks after the increase in Aripiprazole to its current dose I am feeling much more myself again. I’m not often having thoughts/ideas/feelings of being controlled and rarely see anything that I could interpret as being a message to me about what is going on. Where does that leave me? This afternoon I had an appointment with my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse). I haven’t been seeing him long, I was transferred back to the CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) and to him last month. My first impressions though are good. He seems to listen and seems willing to engage with where I am at. Today that meant giving me time and space to try and process some of what has been going through and discussing it with him. The key question being – was I ill; was I psychotic? Things have been really odd and now they’re not so odd. Preoccupations I had before being medicated are no longer preoccupations. I no longer feel the need to harm or kill myself in an attempt to escape or test the control of those I thought were controlling my every action and thought. I feel I can nearly fully trust my closest friends again. As I told my CPN, I hate to admit that other people might be right and I might be not quite so right 😉 Perhaps though it could be that I have been ill with psychosis. That leaves me scared. Scared that my head could possibly have caused me to think and feel the things I was thinking and feeling. Scared that I could end up back in that place again if I became “unwell” again. It also leaves me a little embarrassed. Embarrassed that I could have thought (and still do a little despite self-awareness now) some of the things I was (/am). Embarrassed that I was so consumed by something that perhaps my head had generated and was/is not real. I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts on this topic but for now, that’s all I feel safe & comfortable sharing on this blog.
I ended up back in that dark place. Maybe I rushed back to work too soon or maybe I just wasn’t as well as I thought. Now I’m just as confused and even more scared. How could I have left that place of wellness and become so unwell again and so quickly and seriously? (I’ve changed meds and I spent 4 & 1/2 weeks as an inpatient – or technically 5 & 1/2 as I’m not getting discharged until tomorrow, although I’ve been on home leave).
Now I’m not so confident as I was in the above post. In fact, I’m less convinced that I was ill than I seem to have been before. I still have occasions where I struggle with the controllers but they are far fewer, less intense, and I get less wrapped up in them. Maybe this is as far as it goes for me?
I have to decide on how I’m going to approach going back to work. CPN reckons I should leave it til after Christmas but I don’t want to leave it that long. At the same time, I need to be sensible as I don’t want to throw away the hard fought for progress. I’m so much better but I’m scared that I can’t come back from it again and feel as though I’m on a precipice.
So, that’s where I’m at currently. I thought it didn’t really warrant a new blog, just an update on the last. That, and I’m inately lazy.