This update blog has been on my mind for a little while but the impetus to finally writing it came through a conversation on Twitter about the new film, Inside Out. Surprise had been expressed that I hadn’t cried because of it. Usually anything sentimental like a sad part of a film would get me crying, I’m a highly emotional person. I say ‘usually’ and ‘highly emotional’ but highly felt emotions haven’t been a part of my life for a number of months now and the most likely reason is the Clopixol (an antipsychotic) I am taking for the episode of psychosis I endured for 5 months of last year.
I am flat, numb, living behind a sheet of glass, which the world moves around me and out of reach. I’ve been unable to cry for months and although I can notice things as good, such as a film or a book, I don’t *feel* the enjoyment. I’ve recently been on holiday and people ask me how it was. To be honest, it was ok, just like every other thing in my life. It’s ok.
I say ok because there isn’t really a word to describe me and my life right now. Even flat/numb can’t put across how things feel or rather not feel. I have no motivation and I sleep loads.
The problem is I’ve already reduced my Clopixol dose to the minimum effective dose and I am already having residual or breakthrough symptoms. I recognise to reduce it further would be the wrong thing to do due to the likelihood of the full blown psychosis rearing its head again. That’s a terror I can live without, thanks. In terms of alternatives, I would want a medication without weight gain and Clopixol is one of a very few of them, one of which didn’t work and I’m allergic to one of the others. Apparently all antipsychotics have a tendency to flatten people out like this anyway.
I’m trying to keep doing things in the hope that I will start to feel enjoyment (or even the release of so much needed of tears). I’ve even started to go back to the gym to see if that will give me a boost of energy and enjoyment. Self harm would be a sure fire way to get a temporary release but one I have chosen not to use. So, I’m stuck in this no man’s land of emotions. A medication I take to help the psychosis, and which undoubtedly does work in this regard, is in effect slowly draining me of the will to live.